


these words are knives

by modernpatroclus



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, M/M, i'm not saying anything but, it's me so there's probably a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-22 01:05:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7412419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/modernpatroclus/pseuds/modernpatroclus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>prompt: K but......Andrew calling Neil Nathaniel in the middle of a fight BC he got angry</p><p>//</p><p>For the first time in four years – since Neil let the Foxes in, learned to trust, stopped surviving and started living – Neil gives in to his oldest instinct.</p><p>He runs.</p><p> </p><p>This, Andrew reminds himself, is why he’s not allowed to want anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	these words are knives

**Author's Note:**

> okay SO i took a few days to sit on this because i was torn between “andrew would never do something so shitty” and “but andrew is The Master of Childish Spite”
> 
> so here is lots of Unnecessary Not-Relationship Drama™
> 
> title is from this is gospel by p!atd

When Neil sits next to Andrew on the roof, he’s nervous. He knows he has to be careful with his words because Andrew has been especially stubborn about the topic of his life post-graduation in a couple months.

Even Betsy is concerned. She wouldn’t tell Neil specifics, of course, because that would violate doctor-patient confidentiality (that Neil still doesn’t fully trust). But she did ask Neil to see if he could get Andrew to open up with him about what’s been bothering him lately. Apparently, Neil guessed, Andrew has been quiet around even her.

He knows what’s bothering Andrew: Next year, Andrew won’t have any of the things he’s spent the last five years of his life devoting himself to. Kevin will sign with a pro team, Aaron will go to medical school and move in with Katelyn, Nicky will go back to Erik and Germany, and Neil will stay at Palmetto.

Andrew has been offered a few contracts from different pro teams for the next season, but he hasn’t responded to any. Neil doubts he’s even thought about it. But the deadlines are approaching, and Neil doesn’t want Andrew to miss out on account of his own apathy.

There’s also a part of Neil that’s afraid that this very apathy will ruin their not-a-relationship, too. Andrew still steadfastly denies that Neil means anything to him, and though Neil knows better than to believe him, he’s worried. He’s afraid that once they stop seeing each other every day, Andrew will actually stop caring and let go of what they have.

The thought cripples Neil more than he thought it would, and he’s spent even more time than usual by Andrew’s side in the last month. It’s what’s driven him to start planning as far ahead as his and Andrew’s life post-Foxes. It’s a daunting task for someone who used to wonder if he’d live to see 20, but he wants that life – he just hopes Andrew does, too.

“Andrew, you need to make a decision about next year. You have options for the first time in your life. You’ve been offered three different contracts.”

Andrew scowls and lights a cigarette. “Exy is your lifeline, not mine.”

Neil scoffs. “So, what then? You have to do _something_ , Andrew. At least if you play, after I graduate we can–”

Andrew cuts him off with a sneer. “We can what, exactly? Play together? Live happily ever after as the next great Exy duo after Kevin and Riko? _This is nothing._ Stop deluding yourself.”

Neil isn’t fooled, though. Andrew has been telling Neil things like that for years, and they’re almost always followed by an action that completely contradicts the words.

“Stop deluding _your_ self, Andrew,” Neil snaps, feeling rare, real anger with Andrew. I’m not the one denying what’s right in front of me. Why are you so afraid of being happy? I spent half my life being told that I would never get to stay in one place for longer than a few months. I wasn’t allowed to get close to anyone. I wasn’t allowed to have a real _name_ , Andrew.” Neil’s blood is pumping, and his hand twitches for a cigarette. But he ignores it because this is more important. He needs to be honest even if Andrew won’t.

“But when I came here, I stopped running because you asked me to. I let people in and I made myself a home. You have all of it too. You’re just too damn stubborn to accept that you want it or care.”

Andrew lets his anger show. Because whenever Andrew allows himself to “want” something, it never stays, or it never ends well. He wanted a family growing up, and instead he was bounced from shitty foster home to shittier foster home. Until there was a good one, one that wanted him to _stay,_ and that he would have stayed for if it weren’t for Aaron getting involved and Drake trying to ruin him.

Thinking about all of it just heightens Andrew’s rage, until he’s not seeing _Neil_ anymore – he’s seeing the version of Neil he first met, the mouthy kid who didn’t know how to mind his own business.

Before he can stop himself or reign in his anger, Andrew spits out, “You never know when to shut the fuck up. Has it been so long since Seth died already? Or do you just not care, _Nathaniel?”_

The way he says it, without a second thought, like it’s been on the tip of his tongue the whole time, a weapon just waiting to be used – Andrew called on Nathaniel, and he got him.

Neil’s entire body stiffens. His mind is reeling with, ‘ _Runrunrun,’_ and for the first time in four years – since Neil let the Foxes in, learned to trust, stopped surviving and started _living_ – Neil gives in to his oldest instinct.

He runs.

He takes the stairs two at a time until he’s in front of their room, key in hand and making for his duffle before Andrew has a chance to stub out his cigarette. He knows Andrew won’t follow him yet, because even if Andrew feels bad about his blow, he’ll never admit it or apologize. He’s going to stay

Neil throws in everything he’ll need to survive: his binder, albeit without the collage of Kevin and Riko, with his mother’s contacts and what’s left of the money; all the clothes that will fit; and, after some hesitation, his phone and charger.

When he looks back up at the building from the edge of campus where the parking lot meets Perimeter Road, Neil can just make out Andrew’s form still perched on the edge of the roof. If Andrew is looking, Neil knows he can see him.

When he turns away, he doesn’t look back again.

* * *

When Andrew returns to their room that night, closer to morning than evening, Kevin is the only one in there. Andrew sees Neil’s drawers, empty of nearly everything, including the binder.

Because he’s Andrew and not Neil, he’s not fast enough to stop the waves of anger and pain he feels. Anger at himself for saying what he did to Neil, for being weak enough to want or care about Neil; anger at Neil for leaving, for breaking his promise to stay – because _everyone breaks their promises eventually_. Pain because _Neil’s gone and it’s Andrew’s fault_.

This, Andrew reminds himself, is why he’s not allowed to want anything. When he does, it never stays.

* * *

Andrew doesn’t hear from Neil for a week.

The rest of the team is worried and getting angry – and blaming it on Andrew, of course.

Matt even came down from wherever he’s living with Dan in his time off. What he thinks it’ll accomplish, Andrew doesn’t know, because _Neil_ _isn’t here so why did you come to where he is not,_ but at least it narrows down the list. If Neil didn’t go to Matt, he probably didn’t go to any of the old Foxes.

He doesn’t know where to look, and he’s too stubborn to call Neil. He’s – not afraid, because Andrew doesn’t do something so silly as fear – unwilling to call and not get an answer. So he waits, _not hoping not wanting_ , for Neil to call first. Or come home.

* * *

Neil couldn’t go to Matt. Neil loves his best friend – a title he’s still getting used to consciously using – but Matt means too well.

Going to Matt would mean Matt trying to help while Neil just wants to not deal with it. Going to Matt would also mean going to Dan by default, and much as he trusts and loves them both, Neil doesn’t need comfort and reasonable solutions just yet.

He needs to power through it with tough love and distractions. He needs Allison.

That’s why Neil finds himself in the guestroom of her city penthouse after he leaves Palmetto. She took him in without question, not bothering to hide her pride that Neil didn’t totally disappear, or her pleasure that he went to her over any of the others.

It’s been a week of helping Allison with various work-related fashion projects he hardly understands and Not Waiting for a phone call from Andrew.

He’s gotten calls from the others, of course. But Andrew’s name hasn’t come up once. Neither of them is willing to cave, it seems.

Neil doesn’t let himself mope, though. He’s still too angry with Andrew calling him Nathaniel to let himself think about how much he still misses Andrew despite it. So Neil throws himself into every task Allison gives him, regardless of his lack of qualifications, and spends the nights letting her give him vodka until he’s just hazy enough to forget the pain and focus on the anger.

“I’m not gonna ask what he did, because if I find out I’ll have to go down there and kick his ass since I know you won’t,” Allison tells him matter-of-factly one night over a new bottle of vodka. “But I am gonna leave the offer open. I’ll kick his ass if you want even if you don’t tell me why.”

Neil snorts but doesn’t take her up on it.

“Whatever. Love is bullshit anyway. Trey and I broke up again,” she informs Neil, for the third time since he’s been staying with her.

Good – he secretly hopes it’s for the last time. Neil is less than impressed with Allison’s on-off boyfriend of the past year. He might be biased, but he’d always hoped she would date Renee. He’s almost positive they used to hook up back in their Fox days, but after Renee joined the Peace Corps after graduation, Neil figured they would get together for real when Renee gets back.

Since Neil won’t volunteer any information about him and Andrew, Allison’s love life has been the focus of most of their alcoholic commiserating this week.

She’s halfway through her retelling of their latest blowout when Neil’s phone rings. He almost ignores it, figuring it’ll be Kevin or Robin or Matt or Wymack again. He hasn’t answered anyone.

They’ve played one game in his absence, and Neil couldn’t deny the small flare of vindication he felt when he saw that they lost. It wasn’t a lack of skill; this season had been better than the previous year’s. But the team played with a desperation he hadn’t seen since their first Raven game his freshman year. Everyone save for Andrew, of course. He had let nearly all of the goals go without even trying, another thing that hadn’t happened since Neil’s first year.

They have another game in two days, and Neil knows Kevin is probably spiraling. Neil shouldn’t be missing any games with the main branch of the Moriyamas watching him, Kevin, and Jean, but Neil also knows that he can’t face the court right now either. Not with having to see Andrew every day and face his stony façade of indifference, pretending like none of this affects him.

Besides, Neil won’t have Andrew next year; he figures he might as well get used to it now.

Allison’s curiosity got the better of her, it seems, because she picked up Neil’s phone when he tried to let it go to voicemail. Her surprised, “It’s your monster,” pulls Neil out of his thoughts. He takes the phone from her with shaky hands, not wanting to answer but also not wanting to ignore it. If Neil doesn’t answer, he knows Andrew probably won’t call again. Allison raises an eyebrow at his hesitation and gestures to the balcony.

Neil steels himself and answers right before the ringing cuts off, closing the glass door behind him. The wind is strong up here, and he knows Andrew can hear it through the receiver. It’s all he hears; Neil doesn’t say a word.

Andrew breaks the silence after too long. “Stop being childish and come home.”

Neil laughs humorlessly into the crisp night air. “You called me Nathaniel, well, this is what Nathaniel does: runs away like a child.”

“I’m surprised. I didn’t think you had it in you to miss a game. Should I be impressed?” Andrew is avoiding the real reason he called, the thing that really drove him to dial the phone first.

Neil knows better than to expect Andrew to admit guilt or regret even if he feels them. But knowing better does little to quell his resurfacing frustration.

Neil throws up the hand not holding the phone. He lets it fall and hover by his side, then changes his mind and runs it through his curls. Allison gave him a haircut yesterday, buzzing the sides but keeping the top just long enough for him to still be able to tug on them. “I don’t know, Andrew. I didn’t think you cared enough to be impressed.”

“I don’t,” Andrew answers in a monotone. Neil rolls his eyes, annoyed that Andrew can’t see it.

“Why did you call then?”

“Kevin’s nagging is getting less amusing.”

“Sounds like your problem.” Neil’s anger has reached the point that he doesn’t care what he says, and he knows Andrew can tell.

“Come home,” Andrew repeats. But it sounds different than the first time he said it. Not desperate, not emotional at all really. But Neil knows Andrew; he hears the conviction and the protectiveness behind the words. And the same almost unnoticeable wanting Andrew denies every time he tells Neil they’re nothing.

“Why?” Neil asks, not as unaffected as he’d like. He needs to hear something, anything, as proof that Andrew is affected by all of this too.

“You know the Moriyamas aren’t happy.”

“They can’t touch me if they can’t find me,” Neil reminds.

“True,” Andrew concedes. “But your little martyr heart won’t allow Kevin or Jean to suffer because of you.” He hears what Andrew doesn’t say, too: _or me_. They both know the Moriyamas will go after anyone and everyone Neil cares about if it gets to that point.

“I can’t just let this go, Andrew.” If Andrew is going to dance around the truth, then Neil is going to stubbornly cling to it.

“I know you can’t. It’s part of what makes you so insufferable.”

Neil lets out a laugh before he can stop himself. It’s not fixed, but Neil knows it can be. If he goes back.

Neither of them says another word, but they stay on the line for longer than necessary. When Neil finally hangs up, he can feel Allison’s gaze burning into his back through the glass. He runs a hand through his hair again and goes back to pack.

* * *

Neil doesn’t tell Andrew when his flight lands. He doesn’t even tell him that he’s coming home. So when Neil walks past baggage claim in Upstate Regional in South Carolina, he nearly trips over his own feet when he sees Andrew waiting for him. Neil forces himself to keep walking until they’re only a couple feet apart but still have enough space for Neil to have some mental defense.

“How long have you been waiting?”

Andrew rolls his eyes. “I looked up flight times. I knew you’d come back on the next one.”

Neil bristles. _He_ didn’t know when he would come home, even as he sat in front of Allison’s computer looking at flights.

“I know you, idiot,” Andrew says, correctly guessing Neil’s thoughts. He rolled his eyes again as he said it, and Neil’s annoyed with himself for missing it – for missing _Andrew._

When Neil doesn’t say anything, Andrew steps closer, bridging the gap between them as close as he can without touching or making Neil feel crowded. He raises a hand between them, slowly, and asks, “Yes or no?”

The stubborn part of Neil wants to want to say no. But he doesn’t want to say no for any reason other than spite, which Andrew covers enough for both of them. So Neil nods and mumbles a, “Yes.”

Andrew doesn’t touch him, though. He narrows his eyes and studies Neil with his hand still between them.

 _“Yes,_ Andrew. You can touch me.”

Andrew quirks an eyebrow. “Are you still angry?”

“Do I need to be?” Neil asks, because he still knows Andrew won’t apologize with words. He’ll dance around it like this.

“It’s a yes?” Andrew asks instead, reaching until his hand is only a breath away from Neil’s shirt.

Neil drops his head back a bit and grins, his turn to roll his eyes. “Yes.”

Andrew grips Neil’s shirt in a vice that betrays everything he refused to say. He steps forward to Neil, and he presses their lips together more gently than he’s holding onto Neil.

Andrew pulls away after he’s made sure to leave Neil breathless, but he keeps their lips close enough that Neil feels his next words more than he hears them. “I’m sorry, Neil.”

Neil’s half-tempted to feign ignorance and give him a, “What was that? It’s loud in here,” with a smirk. But he knows what it took for Andrew to give him even that. Andrew must’ve realized how sharp was the knife he’d used when he called Neil by his birth name, and Neil isn’t Andrew, Master of Childish Spite, so he won’t make Andrew say anything more about it.

Instead, he gives Andrew one last quick kiss before leading him out of the airport to face Kevin and his wrath.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr post](http://runawayneil.tumblr.com/post/147022856032/k-butandrew-calling-neil-nathaniel-in-the)


End file.
